Today I feel...

Life is going well.
And so I wait for it to crash.
I seem to have enough time for everything, and most everyone
At least in passing
I should be struggling for direction
But perhaps this is alright too
Am I drifting?
Intentionality is the answer

Share your dreams

Else they may die

"let the waters rise if you want them to, I will follow you, I will follow you"

Drown me in your ocean 
Bring me back to life  
Seeing what you see 
Feeling what you feel

Recent Musings #1

This is the first post in a series. It will share with you little poems, phrases and thoughts that have come to my mind in recent weeks, but gradually, so that the collection of "beauty" won't become a gaudy un-appreciate-able mess.

Break me from my concrete shell
Let my mush fall to the ground
Raise me up and form me anew
Solid from the inside out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dying embers fade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Behind the clouds, the stars are shining.

"This is morning
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking 'bout what I've given up"

Not really, because I try not to dwell.

But I still like the song.

Splash Paint Words

"The glittering ambiguity of a girl's smile, which seems to promise an answer to the question but never gives it."

~ "Looking for Alaska" by John Green

 

I have WANTED to write. I have had no words. I have been angry. Scared. And melancholy. But today I write.

Above is one of my most favorite quotes. It is why I tag my photos with Glittering Ambiguity. 

I love fortune cookies. Did you know that? I have fortunes scattered throughput my journals and possessions. The most recent winner is one my friend texted me this morning "If you live a long life it will be a testament to the self control of your friends".

In about a week I move back to college. I am excited to decorate my half of the room. I have all sorts of ideas.

I am also excited to write again. Well, to be assigned to write. I want to do it well.

My friend and her sister had an argument about what my major is. The options: English or Creative Writing. The Reality: 

 

Undecided.

I once knew this summer was temporary.

When did I forget?

When did I begin to think it could stay this way.

Better is open rebuke 

than hidden love.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted.
~Proverbs 27

It's better to get in someone's face than watch them die. 

I'd rather you yell at me now, than have to ask you why you didn't tell me later.

I hope we remember.

Sometimes We Stand Alone

 

Today was just a standard day. But in the middle were little bits of magic. The laughter of a one year old, a lizard sighting, and missing people I love.

Exhale of Thought

    Ah, my happy little narrowly read blog. I am typing this because I cannot stand to read any longer. I have been reading early posts of a blog for several hours now, and my reading filament is toasted. I like reading other peoples "archives," If I like a blog or person enough I sometimes decide to just read it all. However, only when I am up late and am wasting time. Then once I start I must continue.
   I wonder if someone will read this several years from now on a quest through my blog, unlikely. But if you are doing that just now, I very much appreciate it. Future me must have done something to gain your notice. However there are much better things to do and to read than this. I encourage you to stop now and go do one of those things (but feel free to comment, because that would be nice).
   I finished reading Looking for Alaska by John Green yesterday, I quite enjoyed it, and look forward to reading his other books.
   I don't think in order, or in nice flowing thoughts either, so I hope the choppy-ness isn't bothering you all together too much. Now I've lost my thought.. Ah there it is. I've been thinking quite a bit lately about what I should do with my life. Probably because I start my first semester of college shortly, and have no idea what to study. Seemingly what you study need not corealte with your job, but I'm having difficulty finding something that both I like, and has meaning and value. Perhaps I shouldn't be thinking about it at all, but my track record of just knowing and following that is awful. I would like to avoid that bumbling path. I think I'm getting a bit cynical* on that frount, I need to work on that.
   Well, I fear I've typed at you long enough. Thanks for reading.



*It took me way too long to think of that word, I had to use handy-dandy thesaurus.com

Cave-Time

    I have finally come to realize the meaning of my quite solitary fall. If you remember this summer I complained in several blogs about how I was not doing anything. And how I needed to be doing something. I was so used to being up and out and with people, that I could not stand anytime going, as I thought, un-used.

    However today I had some "cave-time" as I have deemed time at home, alone with myself. And then later my godmother and I went to walmart. And I had an exceptionaly good time, I listened to the walmart song, found everything exciting, and had a unusually great experience. I decided this was due to the fact I had been online most of the day and had excess energy. And then my thoughts returned to the lines I'd created in my head earlier, what was my cave-time forming me into? Because my cave time is definately shaping me, and I have spent much of it on the internet. I do not want to be shaped by the sites I visit, not that they are bad sites. Just that I would rather be shaped by God. Thusly I need to spend cave-time with God.
    In writing this, I have gotten away from what I started out to write, and come a conclusion I already knew along a different path than last time. So I suppose I should take it in this time.
    Going back to what I intended to write, I have finally learned the importance of time spent alone. Doing activities alone, and spending time alone with my thoughts. And just general quite time spent listening to the world around me, and of course to God. If I want to enjoy boundless time with friends, I need to enjoy cave-time as well. Even better, cave-time enhances my other-time actvities, because it sharpens my me-ness (er- personality) into a chrisper less others-based substance.  Ah the realizations that come after 3 months of rather forced cave-time. I'm glad it has been worth it.

Thoughts Escape as Typists

I have lost the battle to keep my thoughts imprisioned. They have fought victoriously and won my fingers.
Now the battle amoung thoughts ensues, which amoung them will manage to share themselves?
Thoughts are what separate humans from animals. We can contempalte and question. It is a beautiful gift.
And we share these gifts with each other,
resulting in the sharing of ourselves.
Interaction.
As necesairy as food and water.
So we need to watch what we let live in our heads, because thoughts travel.
And they make up our world.

Thoughts on Time

Well well, I have some time to kill, and I haven't posted for a while so, I guess that is what I shall do.
I'm not quite sure what to write about, so I’ll take that phrase I just used a second ago: I have some time to kill.
Where did that come from? I don't really want to kill time. I suppose I meant I have some extra, but there is no such thing as extra time with God. Time is something to be used, something needed to grow, grow closer to God.
Isn't it a crazy thought that God is outside of time? Like being outside a house? Yet at the same time he is inside us?
My head is getting a bit confused, and I’m not very skilled at articulating ideas, so I shall leave you with those ideas to chew on for now. :)

A Pensieve For You

Alright! I have some thoughts to share! Aren't you excited?
Today I went to Costco and printed some pictures and when I was at the counter to pick them up there was this guy, and we talked a little, and it turned out he was a Christian and he old me how he got saved, and he was a really awesome sweet guy, and we were all see you in heaven! And it was sweet. Then I was in line to get my Costco combo pizza and there was this guy telling me how I needed to get a tazer for self defense, and how much tazers cost, and how he carries a metal stick in his car etc. It was just a crazy side by side of these two characters. I haven't made and definite conclusions based on the side by side, but if you have any comments on it, well that's why I posted! One sweet man secure in Jesus, one aggressive, probably out of self defensiveness. Maybe hat is my conclusion, man 1 doesn’t have to watch his back because Jesus is, and the other is eaten up by having to watch his own... Just thoughts.

Slower Than a Dripping Faucet

I had two sets of thoughts, but maybe after I write the first the second will come back.
I feel like I’m watching life go by, as opposed to living it. Several of my friends are off on missions, leaving my world a little emptier. I feel like I should be off doing... something. I guess I’ve got anti-cabin fever, I need to find something to do with my time or I might pop! My devo reminded me I can't just rush off and do something FOR God, because it's infinitely better to work WITH him. However, i still seem to have nothing to do.

While I’m wondering what else I wanted to write, allow me to direct your attention to the bottom of my side panel to your right, there you will find a blue fox named mango. And a more tab that pops up things you can click and play with her with. Just one of those random add ons one finds when surfing blogs.

Well, the second thought has left me, off to be caught by Scribell (long story). But if you have any prayer requests, comment um. :)

Yay for a new look, etc.

Ah the joys of redecoration. Random summer days spent online and trying to throw marshmallows into one's mouth, while at a friend's house. -sigh- happy summer humdrum days.
I've been at my friend Tay's house for the past two days pretty much, just lazin' around. Taking this gift of life for granted as usual. Life feels pretty blah, like the waiting period before -hopefully- something awesome. Writing that gets me excited, maybe this is the calm before the storm, in cliche speak. I'm ready to get moving, but I know I'll long for down time later, maybe not.
Before I know it I'll be in a whole new place. Waiting here is rough, but I'll try to appreciate where I am and make the most of each day. Wow I'm counseling myself. I'll thake it that's the end of this blog then...
Catch ya later! :)

-sigh of happiness-

The world is so huge and big and it is very amazing when I rediscover that there is life beyond my circle of friends and that there is more to life than my city. Why yes i was going through people's blogs today, and discovering new ones, however did you know :) . But really i am filled with amazement and love right now, because GOD IS AWESOME. This may or may not be my general response to all happiness. :) but it is very encouraging that people in other places have the same issues, listen to the same songs, and love God as well. :) so thank you all for being an encouragement to me, though you don't know who i am and may never find me. there is a serrious thought behind this... slightly hard to distinguish i realise, but hopefully you got it.

* I wrote this yesterday.

whoops, forgot to title this one...

Well, I've looked at a lot of blogs today, and it just amazed me. I'm not sure I've ever realized how many people are out there. There are so many of us! And there are people in other countries on other continents who listen to the same music and love the same God I do. Yet there are way more who are different. And all of us are so small in comparison with the world we are in. It is such a conflict. I get so wrapped up in my own little corner of the world and so bogged down with the tiny tiny things that seem so big. I'm in a state of amazed confusion, I don't know what the best attitude is. God is big and I limit him for my own comfort since I am small, and I do the same to the world, even though in comparison with him it is minuscule!
To explain my perspective, I'm visiting my sister this weekend I'm in another state. I miss my friends back home, but it is interesting finding life goes on with out them, as so often i try to make them my world.
God is so AMAZING! I can't understand, but that is ok. I just need to trust.