Dreams are my enemies. 

        They remind me what reality lacks.

                  In them I live what I cannot hope for.

     Makes it harder to try to adjust.

Even though 

...I know...

You were right.

When endings are not endings

But merely states of change

The ice falls into my brain

Slowing shutting me down

I fight to move

I fight to live

I would rather give up

But then 

Its not just me that's here

I have to talk

I have to move
Not for my benefit, but yours

Quickly the ice is in reverse

Back from whence it came

I talk I move I breathe

In this moment
I live for you

Growing Up

I think it is just the weirdest thing.
We start off small only to get big and create more small ones.
Why do we do both, why not just one or the other. Always big or always little. I suppose somewhere in the middle would be best.

I try to see in sepia
No colors, only tones of golden filmy brown
I deny colors
And pretend that every thing is simple
How do I remember the goal is the process
Never complete
Never achieved
Yet not trying is unrepentant failure.
But still I want what I cannot have
I cannot have it, for it doesn't exist

I guess my focus is off.

A few months Post, no Haste

Well. Apologies for leaving. But that is why I will never have an A list blog, I'm not 100% committed, I haven't had much to say,

'twas busy with school, and then, well, then I had nothing to say.

But I feel like I should say something now. 

Once there was a girl, she lived in a castle. She had everything she ever dreamed of, because she was loved. When she grew a bit older the castle crumbled, and she grew up in the gap between her old world and one with far less to offer, and far fewer resources. She was cut off from most of the people that loved her, some fought for her, some loved from a distance.

She learned to keep everything to herself. She didn't understand what needed to be shared and why. But she still didn't lack for the important things, even if the rent was always late.

And eventually this girl became a young woman, and she was able to see more than the walls and crumbs around her. She still didn't know how to handle every situation, but she could see more clearly.

She left her little world, but really she only joined in a second one. Doubling her portion. 

This time she was the one building the world, striving to remember that was what she was doing. 

Life is such an important thing, often she was scared of living it. But that is the worst way to do it wrong. 

So she tries.

True story. Do with it what you will. Its not much. Completely unedited. 

Written in July

Months ago I was visiting my sister in another state. I met some really cool people while I was there, and most likely I won't see any of them again. I wrote this after a really cool experience, but never posted it. So here it is now.


One Sunday while I was visiting, we were at church, my sister goes to a pretty big church, you know one with a main floor and a big balcony type second story to fit more people. And this awesome worship song was on, I had never heard it before. Although now I've heard it and sung it many times:

"Our God is greater
 Our God is stronger
 God you are Higher than any other
 Our God is Healer
 Awesome in Power
 Our God
 Our God"
- Chris Tomlin, Our God

For the first time I got a glimpse of Heaven. Every christian I have ever met will be there, even the ones I only knew for a few minutes or days. And we will be really worshiping. Truly truly. Full of God's love for him and for each other.

I know there are negative thoughts that can branch off of that. And questions and details. And perhaps it is a little disconnected for your topic. But it is the story that came to mind with this post. There is so much soft, powerful, joy in this memory for me. I hope it comes across at least a little.

Think about it in terms of you, all the people you love terribly, and your best worship memory. Blend it together with whatever strongest sense of God's presence you can think of. That was my taste of heaven.

Which maybe makes it a little more okay to say goodbye sometimes.