Written in July

Months ago I was visiting my sister in another state. I met some really cool people while I was there, and most likely I won't see any of them again. I wrote this after a really cool experience, but never posted it. So here it is now.


One Sunday while I was visiting, we were at church, my sister goes to a pretty big church, you know one with a main floor and a big balcony type second story to fit more people. And this awesome worship song was on, I had never heard it before. Although now I've heard it and sung it many times:

"Our God is greater
 Our God is stronger
 God you are Higher than any other
 Our God is Healer
 Awesome in Power
 Our God
 Our God"
- Chris Tomlin, Our God

For the first time I got a glimpse of Heaven. Every christian I have ever met will be there, even the ones I only knew for a few minutes or days. And we will be really worshiping. Truly truly. Full of God's love for him and for each other.

I know there are negative thoughts that can branch off of that. And questions and details. And perhaps it is a little disconnected for your topic. But it is the story that came to mind with this post. There is so much soft, powerful, joy in this memory for me. I hope it comes across at least a little.

Think about it in terms of you, all the people you love terribly, and your best worship memory. Blend it together with whatever strongest sense of God's presence you can think of. That was my taste of heaven.

Which maybe makes it a little more okay to say goodbye sometimes.

I mean Really Truly.

 

And observe the world around you?

Recent Musing #4

My walls are covered with the past, because I haven't figured out how to hang the future.

He guilted you. Told you off mildly, but in this public way. And you just sat and held your face. No reaction until you formulated how to show regret.
Almost like you didn't know what he was talking about.
But really, you just didn't know what to say.

Walk Beyond

Formerly Recent Musings #3

We were just two souls in the dark
Your voice and mine
Only lips and ears.
I'm glad it was us

There together,

Hearing and speaking

The truest of true

--

If you knew me you would see. The way my face is overcompensating for interest in your words. The way I keep scrunching my eyes and blinking smiles. Nodding too much. I am being polite, I wish I did care, so I keep up the act. But behind it all I wish you would leave. Just say you have things to do, and walk away.

Recent Musings #2

Well, now they are weeks old musings...

When the sand rubs off, we're all just paper people.
    Defenseless, and stripped of our personas of power, we have nothing left to scare each other away
    with.

The clouds are waves lit by the moon in an ocean of sky.
   If only we could swim there.

One month later...

And when it crashed I had much too much to write in my journal.
So my dear followers I left you.
And I fear I will not be returning soon, for NaNoWriMo is almost here.
And I'm going for it. You should as well.
I'll set up some picture posts for you soon though, and try to finish post 2 in that "series" I started.
My apologies for leaving you lacking in orange. However, I am quite glad real life leaves me with too little time for much internetting.

Today I feel...

Life is going well.
And so I wait for it to crash.
I seem to have enough time for everything, and most everyone
At least in passing
I should be struggling for direction
But perhaps this is alright too
Am I drifting?
Intentionality is the answer

Share your dreams

Else they may die

"let the waters rise if you want them to, I will follow you, I will follow you"

Drown me in your ocean 
Bring me back to life  
Seeing what you see 
Feeling what you feel

Recent Musings #1

This is the first post in a series. It will share with you little poems, phrases and thoughts that have come to my mind in recent weeks, but gradually, so that the collection of "beauty" won't become a gaudy un-appreciate-able mess.

Break me from my concrete shell
Let my mush fall to the ground
Raise me up and form me anew
Solid from the inside out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dying embers fade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Behind the clouds, the stars are shining.

I never thouoght I'd be Driving throught the Country just to drive

On the whole face of the black radio there are only two white buttons. Like two round divining stones, as he presses his fingers against the smooth plastic the fates are thrown high, crashing down with blaring cymbals. Ears are perked, ready to tell fingers to throw the fates again, or to enjoy the crashing.

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The music is a little too loud.
But there is no turning it down.
I'm disowning my own thoughts.

My heart is an ocean inside my chest; uncontrollable and tumultuous, varying and steady.

The past seems so far away.  
And it was an eternity.  

It makes me sad.  

Seeing the faces of yesterday. 

  The ones that are now so far away. 

So very far. 

  I wouldn't change the choices we made. 

  I wont change the ones we are making. 

But I still mourn the times we were together. 

   

For selfishly I want to keep you. 

  But love doesn't work that way. 

  So go far.  

As far as you can. 

But remember last eternity.  

When we were together.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Edward Estlin Cummings

"This is morning
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking 'bout what I've given up"

Not really, because I try not to dwell.

But I still like the song.

Splash Paint Words

"The glittering ambiguity of a girl's smile, which seems to promise an answer to the question but never gives it."

~ "Looking for Alaska" by John Green

 

I have WANTED to write. I have had no words. I have been angry. Scared. And melancholy. But today I write.

Above is one of my most favorite quotes. It is why I tag my photos with Glittering Ambiguity. 

I love fortune cookies. Did you know that? I have fortunes scattered throughput my journals and possessions. The most recent winner is one my friend texted me this morning "If you live a long life it will be a testament to the self control of your friends".

In about a week I move back to college. I am excited to decorate my half of the room. I have all sorts of ideas.

I am also excited to write again. Well, to be assigned to write. I want to do it well.

My friend and her sister had an argument about what my major is. The options: English or Creative Writing. The Reality: 

 

Undecided.

I once knew this summer was temporary.

When did I forget?

When did I begin to think it could stay this way.

Through the hallowness  

I swim  

Mapping the foggy spaces  

Discovering new countries  

And shifting the physical  

It's seems an adventure 

A quest it is  

Searching for truth  

Amidst the rubble  

And clutter  

That is only hallow

But these were the days, the choices we make  

Decide who we will be and where we go  

As we say goodbye the look in your eye  

Is screaming silently, remember to never forget

Never Forget.

Vacation Bibile School. Reality isn't Hallow.

I remember when you were shocked that I'd never been to VBS.  

I remember how much you loved to teach the kids. 

And this week, I went on my third vacation. This time without you. And this year I was blessed for the first time with my own tiny room and 7 tiny bodies to corral and plan for.  

I went to bed late and got up early. 

I was going all week without stop.  

And I loved it. 

I'm pretty sure the tiny ones did too.  

Since it's all for their benefit.  

I really hope they did.  

A week full of friends and kids and 24 hours spent watching all the episodes of Avatar. 

A week very lacking in internetland.  

Best week of summer.

This is part of what I did today. Isn't it just

1 place, 1 time. 2 Pictures, 2 people.

My friend Taylor and I both took pictures like this. And we decided to edit them separately, and then post them, to see what we each came up with. So this is mine, and here is a link to hers.

A Letter

Dear Eros,

                

                   You have run amok in my culture. I 

can't turn around without seeing your obsessive 

following. Everyone is chasing madly after you. 

I am tired of it. I would like it very much if you 

would take a vacation. It needn't be very long. 

Perhaps a year. Just one year with out your 

influence on all of our emotions, desires and 

lives. That would be the most wonderful thing 

you could ever do.

No Love,

Sara

Oh hallow internet. Here we meet again. I whimpering at your lack of amusement. You apathetic and aloof as I press the keys that attempt to tickle you.  
That attempt to tickle you into such a state of distraction that you let me link to something joyous. Perhaps I am redirecting emotions of angst given me from a different source.
A source whose veins flow with blood, not information. 

Perhaps you do not deserve my cynicism.  
But you shall get it.  
My dear hallow crutch.  
You are getting it.