Time is here and there...

I'm out of school for a month.
Last official long break.

Spent the day reading The Hobbit [I'm running out of time I know, but I don't have to finish it all, since it will be 3 part movie.... :(p ]

and working on christmas presents.
It was nice.

Trying not to think about how soon break will be over and then all that comes after.
Not thinking about it.

I'm babysitting a fish for a friend over break, it's nice to watch it swim.

Simple things that are ooo soo enjoyable.

The sun fades quickly in the winter, days are fleeting.
But spring will slip past almost unnoticed if I don't remember to look.

Tulips that bloomed last February are starting to poke up shoots.
I hope they bloom.

Having the new title makes me feel I have the freedom to write in my most loved way:
fragmented.

But I'll try not to All the time.

Have a lovely day.

Trains

Trains represent adventure. 
Mysterious unknown adventure. 
In Mexico and South America travelers ride on top of trains, dangerously seeking a better life in the north. 
In our country too, people sneak onto trains and ride away from discarded lives. 

They bring fear and warmth to my heart. 
They have the power to kill, and to bring good. 
Every time I see a train it awakens some secret nostalgic longing in me, even though I have never been on one.

They are a special type of magic.

New Creation

I am becoming a new person.

I broke through the wall of leaving YouTube comments.
For how much I watch YouTube this is fantastic.
I feel less like a viewer and more like a participant. 
It is freeing. To feel like my comment matters, 
even if no one ever reads it.

I got that internship I mentioned.
The crazy part?
I actually think I can do it.
I'm not one to be confident in my abilities. 
I generally worry that I can't do whatever it is.

But I can do this. and beyond that I want to.
I am willing to try, and to learn to be bold.
Willing to  ask for what I need to do a good job,
and push through the hard stuff. 

And these two situations rub off on how I feel about everything else.

These feelings will fade. In a few months when I'm in the middle of it all,
I'll only feel the struggle.

But. Right now,  It feels good.

It feels good.

Hairy

I'm growing my hair out.

Not that it isn't already long.
Because it is.

But I have been itching to cut it short.
And debating about whether to go short or super long.

I always have this debate.
So I have decided I'll grow it out till spring.


Haircuts can be such meaningful emotional things. When I feel a new season, or just a need for change;

I cut my hair, or add bangs.

So much is tied to hair for girls, or at least for many girls.

The bible says it is "our glory"

But often it feels more like a wrestling partner.

So here's to loving my hair.


Any hair struggles or horror stories? Let me know in the comments.

A note about titles

Two posts in one evening,
amazing.

You may notice I changed my title.
I thought up "Penned in Orange" when I was a sophomore in highschool.

Almost everything has changed since then.                                                (I know highschool is actually

 two words, but I consistently

want for it to be one)

In typical form I have kept my commitment to the title these three years.

Tonight however, I was changing the template, and I realized,

the title not longer fits. 

It hasn't for some time. 

I put limited thought into the new one, however I think It'll stick.

If not, I'll change it until I find the next long term title.

Life is Cereal

I compare myself.
A lot.

TO everyone and anyone.

It makes me feel inadequate, like my life is pointless and worthless. Because other people are doing amazing things and writing amazing things and being amazing. While i remain average, and less than the greatest.

That's what is on my mind at the moment. I want to be incredible, and sometime I think that I am. But mostly not. It isn't really a good thing that I want to be incredible, it makes me feel full of myself and I don't like it.

Anyhow, that's enough of that.

I am almost done with my second to last semester of college.
Then off to job life of some sort.
It all seems to0 misty for my liking at this point.

I had an interview today. For an internship.
I need one for next semester, and I pursued this one almost entirely on my own.
And it looks like I'll get it.

That's pretty cool.

Well, a short post. No deep thoughts. But I enjoy reading about other people's lives.
Perhaps you'll enjoy reading about mine.

Late Night for a Middle Bird

Today I learned...

The most used form of contraception in America is women getting their tubes tied.

7 pages is enough.

Not getting frustrated is hard.

What Gangnam style is.

      That there is no time to be bored because.... (fill in the blank)

Screaming can be good, and cause bonding.

Thinking about creating community gets me crazy excited.

That I can't have it all.

The world was so different when she was born.

There are no words for my feelings. 

A deep ache of anticipated loss. 

And mourning for what has already perished. 

I can't think too long on all the disconnected threads,

else 

I fade.

A season of Joy

The first sunflower finally bloomed.

My window holds 12 baby succulents, and I'll try not to be heart broken if they don't all make it.

There are 3 avocado pits lounging in water, while I wait hoping they will blossom into tiny trees, even though it is the wrong season for them.

And that is all I will tell you about my plants. Although I could go on for quite sometime.

I love Plants (also i love outside, plants make inside a little more like outside), I love deep relationships, and I love art.

One of my classes this semester has been pushing me to define my passion in a way that finally connects with me.

I care about people connecting with other people in meaningful ways.

I do not always have the energy to put into people the way I would like, but I endeavor to live a life style that allow me to have that energy as often as possible. For me this means making space. (primarily) Space for sleep, and space for God. 

I do not have that much space though, my days are packed pretty solid, and so are most nights. 

In any-case I look forward to the rain. It is not raining and it is not yet cold. I want to wear my pea-coats and my boots. I want to feel appropriate wearing tights. 

These are merely trivial things.

They are not important.

The important things I hardly have time for. 

June

I have been meaning to blog for so long about so many things, I can no longer remember what they all are, or pick which ones to talk about.

SO we work our way backwards.

I read an book that you all need to read. Or rather that you all need to live. I am doing my best to keep at it. It is called The Flinch and it is available for free on amazon as a kindle book, of course all you need to read it is to download the app or have an amazon account and use the cloud reader.

It is a challenging book that tells you to get over irrational fear that keeps us from living how we want to, and it tells you to stand in a cold shower. click the link, I made it easy. Its an opportunity to work hard and live better, I suggest you take it if you need to.

Last week I was house sitting for a family while they were on vacation, and I had some adventures.

I have practiced my chicken wrangling skills, and now I am rather fond of them. Doesn't take much for me to like something that is alive.

I also practiced my skate boarding back and forth skills, it was quite fun.

And I made this painting, which is now hanging in my living room.

I  am trying to share with you the things that I did when I wasn't writing, because that is somewhat what a blog is for.  Sharing and inspiring.  So I hope this is somewhat inspiring, other wise I'm just talking about myself , which is silly. 

I chalked up my porch and walkway yesterday, but mostly I am posting this because those are my sunflower plants you see there. And I want to share them with you as they grow. and eventually bloom.

My summer is proving lonelier and more challenging than I would like. But I hope for growth, which is all I can ask for.

How is your summer?

Love Outdoors

The clouds came home yesterday.
Today the rain is back.
I forgot the sun wasn't going to stay.

However, my spirits are not dampened.
I planted sunflowers.

...

I found these flowers yesterday. hundreds of them. growing wild in a random chunk of land amidst a neighborhood.
It used to be someone's house and property. Now it is a wildlife area and future playground.

I love the lonely undevelopedness of it. Listening to the water and the birds. Looking at the tall grass highlighted with yellow.

I want to spend more of my summer out there.
In the lonely places in the city. The empty, quiet, weed filled places.
Whether it be that field, or the huge park by my house, or the other lonely places hidden around.

The rain does put a pause on this desire, but I have books and house plants to fill the void until the clouds take another vacation. Or even just until the rain runs out and the clouds have to go buy more water.

I can feel God out there.
I've missed that.

The Arrival

Summer is here.

Maybe not technically, but in all the necessary ways. Namely:

1) The semester is complete

2) The sun is out.

That is really all it takes for me. 

The season is looking a little emptier and lonelier than I'd like,

but it is only the beginning. There are a few more details and decisions to fall into place,

but more or less a new rhythm is forming.

I always have the "summer dream" at the beginning. The dream is reading lots of books, going on adventures and generally being awesome.
This year, I have the most chance of experiencing the dream. But it will be challenging.
I need to find a few more things to do, and hopefully, some people to do them with.

Reality always seems so much less than the dream. In any situation. The dream lives, but it is hard to spot. It is fleeting. I am not good at chasing it. I need to work out my dream catching muscles.

What is your summer dream? Will you catch it?


...
Oh, also I edited the quotes page. go check it out :)

Transition

I want it to be summer.
I want to wear shorts and a tank top and still be warm.
I want to enjoy what I'm doing, what I'm living,
and not have to worry about homework.

I love winter, I love jackets,
I love coming home and getting warm.
But I'm glad that seasons change.
I am ready for spring,
and as much as I don't want time to move forward too quickly

I am starting to want this next season
I'm looking forward to summer, and
with some anxiety
the summer after that

I don't know what is coming next.
But I'm going to trust
that a certain Someone else does

Some Thoughts of the Day

I am somewhat of a sarcastic person.
It is a defense mechanism.
Pushes concepts and people further away.

Whenever death  is brought up, if it is applicable, I'll say
"I'm dying, we all are. Dying of life"
It is suposed to stir thoughts I suppose, but all it is is a trick to avoid the thoughts it stirs.

I like to believe I am Jaded towards death.
To pretend I can look in to its cold (or perhaps warm) eyes fearless
And I do work at being level about it,
however sometimes i wonder if it is just the cardboard replica I am unafraid of.

Things only have the power we give them over us, but that doesn't lessen the consequences.

Thinking about this due to the afore mentioned Wonderful Book.

Capitalizing Lonely "i"s is Overrated.

I have done nearly all of my writing the last two years not in orange, but in green ink.
It may be a contradiction to the title of this blog (though i do not keep the type color orange, so clearly this is a more symbolic and less literal title) however the main idea is 'penned not in black' i have come to realize, which doesn't seem to make as good a title.
Also, my title and i are in bit of a committed relationship. its not even because we created an email together (though we care a lot about our email, and are going to take good care of it), we just have the kind of relationship that sticks together.

Anyways, i say all this to note that i received colored pens for christmas, and among them was an orange pen. It has been interesting to actually write in orange again.

On to other more interesting (in theory) topics.
I am reading The Fault in Our Stars. I trust you all know what i am talking about. if not, you best go find out. I love John Green, and am very happy with the book. In a couple of weeks I will be attending the local tour stop, and am very excited to actually be in real life with John and Hank.

I thought I had something better for you all than funny sentences about titles and excitement about a book that I recommend for all (though I have yet to finish it). My ideas seemed to have drained away...

Perhaps I'll just write a list of likes and loves. That is what I feel like.

If you feel so inclined, leave your own list in the comments. Or don't. Your choice.

I love socks, fun colored and patterned socks.
I love my slippers, I've never been much of a slippers person, but these slippers were a gift from my roommate, and they are so warm.
I love my blue hat. It is a cable knit beanie with a brim. It is my one hat pretty much, and while I have an insatiable desire to find the right look, and thus want to find more hats, this one does such a good job i have yet to go about actually getting another hat. I could probably write a whole post about my hat, however i will hold back.
I love reading, and getting really zoned in on the story, forgetting about time and place if I'm lucky.
I love the freedom in close relationships, to act weird, and say things you might not mean but certainly feel, and to still be accepted.

The afore mentioned slippers. Bonus, socks.

That is my list.
And this is a post.

Fragmentation

There is something irresistibly intriguing about lonely people. Lonely people who though they are lonely, are completely absorbed in their own activities, who seem like they don't require others.
I was thinking this as I watched the beginning of what turned out to be a rather strange movie.
There is a mystery about contented loneliness.
It begs me to discover its secrets.

Taken on the *Washington* coast.

I am not good at writing consistently, if you've been here before you're aware of that. I started writing this post a couple weeks ago, and am only now returning to it. 

I'm just not sure what to share. There are thoughts but they seem to melt away when I try to write them.

My third grade english teacher told me that I did write my thoughts in order, and told me i should try to group similar ideas in the same paragraph. And there began my tendency towards fragmentation. Word is constantly alerting me that what I just left as a sentence is actually a fragment. All of that is said to explain why I am not bothering to make this post flow, its fighting nature, and today Smokey just isn't up for it.

The last couple days I've been watching a lot of Meekakitty on youtube. 

Watching too much youtube makes me question my identity, yet gives me ideas and hope at the same time.

I fly home (back to school) in a couple days. I'm quite looking forward to reading on the plane.

Currently I'm reading The Picture of Dorian Gray I'm not too far in because I didn't want to finish it and have nothing left to read at the airport. 

Once I get to school, I am excited that my Pre-Ordered copy of The Fault In Our Stars is waiting for me (along with the need to purchase an all too expensive business textbook, rahrg).  So I suppose I should hurry to finish Dorian Gray before then, or it shall be postponed. 

Being around my family this break has reminded me of why I want to write a book someday. Oh the hopes and dreams. 

Thank you for reading.